Grovelling Apology

Once again I find myself apologising for the lack of updates. This is mostly due to the postal strike. I haven't received a reply in about 3 weeks despite sending 15+ over a month ago. When the Royal Mail gets their arse in gear Letters By Robert will be back in full force! You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Hugs and Kisses

Robo

Tizer Soft Drinks

Tizer
4 Mollins Road

Westfield

Cumbernauld

G68 9HD

Scotland

22 August 2007

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing to you as I am a great fan of your Tizer product and would like to express my thanks to you for making such an outstanding product day in day out. I also have a few mean questions about the beverage that has refreshed me on countless occasions.

What does the word “Tizer”? My friends tell me it is the name of the drug that is used in the Tizer drink (surely not!). How do you get Tizer to be so red, as oppose to say, Pepsi, which isn’t red at all? If a certain batch of Tizer is not completely red does it fail a quality standards test? If so, can I buy this poorer quality Tizer? And lastly, what happened to the Tizer man?

I look forward to hearing from you, and hopefully setting up a business relationship in the near future.

Yours faithfully




Robert Walker

NO REPLY!

Spider-Man

Mr Spider-Man
Marvel Entertainment International Ltd.

7 Portland Place

3rd Floor

LondonW1B 1PP

England

Dear Mr Spider-Man

How are you? I hope you are well!! I’m very good, thank you!!! I am writing to tell you what a big fan I am of yours and how cool you are. I love to watch the programmes in the cinema about you. Do you ever get nervous when jumping off such a big house?

How is MaryJane? I heard that you guys had a bit of a tiff recently. I do hope you can patch things up, after all it’s not your fault, it was all because of that naughty venom! Also, how is your Aunt? You should visit her more often so she doesn’t get lonely!

Would you come round to our house one day? My Mum says you’re not real, but if you came over for dinner and jumped around a bit in the garden I'm sure she would change her mind!

You have great strong legs!

Yours awesomely!

Robert Walker

NO REPLY!

Britvic Soft Drinks

Britvic Soft Drinks Ltd
Chelmsford
CM1 1TU

22 August 2007

Dear Sir/Madam

I am in love with the man on the 7UP cans! Where can I get his number?


Yours faithfully




Robert Walker

Dear Mr Walker,

Thank you for your letter about the man on the 7UP cans. His name is Fido Dido and has been associated with 7UP for many years.


Unfortunately, Fido Dido is a letter shy and does not give out his phone number to people. We will of course let him know that you have written in, I'm sure he'll be flattered.

Thank you for contacting us.


Yours sincerely





Darryl Pitts
Britvic Consumer Care Advisor

Mr Pitts
Britvic House
Broomfield Road
Chelmsford
CM1 1TU

Your ref; 070829-000067

11 September 2007

Dear Mr Pitts,

Thank you for your letter dated 29th August, I apologise for taking so long to get back to you, I have been very busy at work.

It appears that I have sent you a letter with some text missing. For this I apologise profusely. I asked you where I could get the contact information from the man on the 7UP cans. What I infact meant was, where can I get the contact information of the man who draws the art on the 7UP cans?

I once again apologise for this and would like to thank you to replying to what must have seemed like a ridiculous letter.

Yours sincerely





Robert Walker




Dear Mr Walker,

Further to your recent letter regarding Fido Dido.

Britvic nor PepsicCo own the rights to Fido Dido, the character is a trademark of Fido Dido Inc. and we have the permission to use him under the license for 7UP. There is a website which has more information about Fido Dido www.rmlicensing.com/ENG/Fido/fidodido.htm).

We hope you find this information useful, we do appreciate your interest in our products.

Yours sincerely





Darryl Pitts
Britvic Consumer Care

SAGA Insurance

The Saga Building

Middelburg Square

Folkestone

Kent

CT20 1AZ

16 August 2007

Dear Sir,

I am writing to you to ask if I am eligible for home and contents insurance with your company as I have a fine home with many items that I treasure dearly that I would like to protect from any unfortunate goings-on that may or may not occur.

I have been recommended your company on several separate occasions by family members and would like to take out a policy with you. I understand that your company only offers its services to the over 55s and I am only 25 years of age. However I have a rare genetic disorder called Werner syndrome. This causes me to have the body of a 60-year-old male. I do hope this makes me eligible for Saga Home Insurance.

Please could you send me any details on your insurance policies, their prices and what they cover. I shall only need 5 years cover as I have been informed by my doctor that I have only this long to live.

Many thanks

Yours faithfully,




Robert Walker

NO REPLY!

Eric Pickles MP

Eric Pickles MP
LondonSW1A 0AA

8th August 2007

Dear Mr Pickles

I have been a loyal constituent to you throughout your entire rein, and have voted for you and your party for the last 3 general elections. It is with this that I feel it is my right, nay my duty to ask the question; what is it exactly you do?

I am asking this for several reasons. Firstly I would like to be sure that my tax money is not being foolishly squandered. Secondly, I would like to make sure my votes have not been foolishly squandered. Thirdly, I have never seen you on telly hanging out with David Cameron and Boris Yeltsin. Fourthly, I have never seen you hanging around Moreton. We may only be a small village, but we are very important! Fifthly, I would like to make sure my years as a Conservative supporter have not been foolishly squandered.

Please confirm to me that you are a worthwhile MP for your constituency and the country so I do not have to change my voting plans.

You’re sincerely




Robert Walker

P.S. What is your favourite colour? Mine is the colour Blue. The colour of Conservative dominance! Every time I see it makes me proud to be a right-wing Briton!

Dear Mr Walker,

Thank you for your recent letter.

In order to keep my constituents informed I have a website where you can see what I am doing and in some cases watch videos of my activites. I have visted Moreton twice this month.

I appear regularly in the local papers and have been in the national papers every week throughout July and August and i appear regulary on television. I am very sorry that you have not seen me but a simple "google" search will bring up the written matter.

Thank you for your past support.

Yours sincerly

Eric Pickles MP

Brentwood and Ongar

An apology

I'm having a little problem with scanning my letters, and getting them onto the blog and make them readable. This is probably because I don't have a scanner and I’m having to use the all-in-one-scanner-fax-photocopier-machine at work when my Boss is not looking. This is why I haven't been posting as regularly as I would like. So a bold and dangerous solution to this life threating problem is to post the letter scans as a picture and then type up the letter underneath.

Hopefully i'll be able to really get going with this in the next week and be posting a couple of letters a week!

If you have any suggestions in this, please leave a comment!

Letter to Mars

Dear Sir,

I am writing to you as I am a huge fan of your confectionary products! I believe that Mars Bars and Snickers are the best sweets ever! But I have noticed that they are often cheaper than your rivals products, why is this? I have at least 3 Mars Bars, a Snickers and a Twix a day (sometimes I might buy a Kinder Bueno instead of the third Mars though, I hope you are not too angry)!

After all these years of chocolate eating I have a new product suggestion. As you maybe aware the best part of a Mars bar is the caramel, and the worst bit is the nougat. My suggestion is to make a new Mars Bar without the nougat and just lots of caramel! This would be undoubtedly popular! You could call it Mars Caramel, or even better; The Venus Bar! The logo could be the planet Venus being eaten by a Venus Fly Trap!

I also enjoy your Opal Fruits product, but recently I have noticed that they are nowhere to be found! Have they been taken off the market? I hope not! They were the perfect compliment to a summer’s day!

Yours faithfully




Robert Walker

P.S. What’s your favourite sweet?




Dear Mr Walker,

We recieve many letters from the general public suggesting new and intersting ideas. together with lots of feedback and comments on our current product ranges. However, all our ideas are generated in house and through our agencies, often many years in their planning. Not all ideas are feasible due to technology restraints, and may be shelved until a future date.

We continually carry out research into the needs and requirements of our consumers and we record all the comments received on our products.

Regarding the price of our products: We give the retail sector our recommended retail price as a guide it is then up to them how much they sell our products for over which we have no control.

Opal Fruits are now called Starburst and are available from most outlets.

My favourite chocolates are the Mars Planets and the new Galaxy Block Dark Chocolate that has only just been released.

Yours sincerely

Antony Kirk
Consumer Care Team

Letter to Coca-Cola

Dear Sir/Madam

I have been a great fan of the Coca-Cola Company all my life. I enjoy almost all of your products and buy a bottle of Coca-Cola almost everyday (some days if I don’t have enough money I have to buy Virgin Cola instead, but it’s nowhere near as good as your superior product)!

And after all these years of drinking, I had a thought just today. How do you get your drinks so fizzy? They are indeed very fizzy. Would it be possible for you to turn down the fizzyness of your fizzy beverages as sometimes I feel that they are too fizzy and I have to open the bottle and leave it for five minutes for the fizz to calm down before I can drink it. You could market a new type of Coca-Cola with less fizz! It could be called “A Little-Bit-less-Fizzy-Coke”! I’ll give you that one for free!

Once again I would like to thank you for years of enjoyment from your great product! You must feel very proud working for a company that makes so many people happy!

Yours faithfully





Robert Walker

P.S. Do you ever drink Pepsi? You can tell me, I won’t tell a soul!






Dear Mr Walker,

Thank you for contacting the Consumer Infomation Centre.

It is always a pleasure to hear from our consumers, especially those as enthusiastic as you are. I was delighted to hear how much you been enjoying our products and I will therefore be passing on your kind comments to those in our brand team.

As you will appreciate, we research all our products thoroughly and generally we have received positive feedback regarding our products.

We are sorry to hear that you feel that they are too fizzy, however we appreciate you sharing your feedback with us and we will pass your comments onto the brand manager and team.

In response to your question, "Coca-Cola" is my best!

May I take this opportunity to thank you for taking the time and trouble to share your comments with us.

Kind regards

Fikayo Famuyiwa

Consumer Infomation Centre

Coca-Cola Great Britain

The Dawn of a New Era

Hi! My name is Robert. What’s yours? That’s a pretty name. Let me give you a little information about my life. My name is Robert, and I am currently unemployed. I live somewhere in England, but I'm not quite sure where. About 7 years ago I invented the Internet and have lived off the royalties from that ever since (I quit my job on the deli counter at Morrisons). So to fill up my time, I write letters. I have a stunning collection of letters to and from celebrities, companies and people of the state. I shall be putting them up on here as often as I can. I am currently working on my next invention, I call it football. It’s a game played by working class men. I invented it to give these young men something to do instead of smashing up bus stops.